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The (Mike) Mitchell Report
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4/26/2008 - OCONOMOWOC (AP) –
It’s the day before Opening Day in the Land O’Lakes League, a day greeted with the same kind of anticipatory excitement as the swearing in of a new president or the arrival of a fresh keg at Winger’s. When the baseball world last saw Five-O’s rightfielder Mike Mitchell, he was being mobbed by jubilant teammates, adoring fans and throngs of beautiful women, as he was carried off Roosevelt Field in triumph, after delivering the hit that won the Western Division flag against Lannon last August. With his newfound fame and fortune, many observers wondered what the conquering hero might do in the offseason. It turned out, the tour circuit kept him plenty busy, and no mere news story on it would suffice. Former Senate Majority Leader and current baseball higher-up, George Mitchell was called in to compile a comprehensive list of the new legend’s off-the-field escapades. The Mitchell Report is soon to hit the newsstands and is sure to be a bombshell. Insiders have obtained copies of the report, the highlights of which include—
New York
In the 1950s, the legendary bar Toots Shors was host to the greatest names the Big Apple has seen. From Joe DiMaggio to Frank Sinatra, New York’s biggest names took their brews here. Decades after being closed down, Toots’ re-opened and the highlight of the inaugural came when Mike Mitchell came strolling in with Derek Jeter. Some were heard to wonder who the dashing black guy with Mitchell was, but most kept their focus on the star visitor from the Midwest. The next day the New York papers were full of speculation regarding the absence of Alex Rodriguez. Contrary to rumor, this had nothing to do with the Jeter-A-Rod cat fight. Mitchell put the kibosh on A-Rod’s joining them, stating he wasn’t comfortable being seen with someone who lacked the same type of postseason success.
Hollywood
Mitchell was seen hanging out with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman during a private screening of the duo’s The Bucket List, released early this year. The sighting gave rise to rumors of a cameo appearance by Mitchell in the film. Indeed, the movie—whose premise is two dying men making a list of the things they want to get done before passing away—had a scene of Freeman’s character saying one of his “bucket list” items was to throw batting practice to Mike Mitchell. But producers later scratched it, feeling Mitchell engaging in such a pedestrian activity would stretch the bounds of audience credulity too far. The cut scene is available as a DVD feature and likely to be worth a fortune in the years ahead.
The Campaign Trail
There’s no been no shortage of pandering by the presidential candidates as they sought to obtain Mitchell’s endorsement, something widely seen in the political community as tantamount to winning the election itself. Rudy Guilani’s campaign foundered after the former mayor insulted Mitchell by offering him the vice-presidency, a slap in the face so gratitutious, that Guilani’s poll numbers began an irreversible dip. Barack Obama has offered to step aside and give the presidency to Mitchell should he win, although even here, it is wondered if anything short of dictator is really a sufficient gesture of respect.
As the candidates maneuver and joust, pundits note the distance Mitchell keeps from Hillary Clinton. It is presumed that her offer of favors in exchange for an endorsement was seen as revolting enough to permanently damage her hopes.
Around the world
Pro-Mitchell sentiment wasn’t just confined to the United States. Fans abroad, having witnessed his exploits on satellite TV also wanted a piece of the action. He was seen at Buckingham Palace dining with the Earl of York—though Mitchell did tell reporters later that it was small potatoes after dining with the Earl of Eppler in Oconomowoc. During the rest of his European tour, Mitchell was reported to be seen on the Eiffel Tower with France’s newly elected president, speeding down the Autobahn in the private car of Horst Kohler, and appreciating the hospitality of the Dalai Lama in Tibet, as the spiritual leader enlisted Mitchell’s help in gaining freedom from the Chinese government and ending the oppression. The whirlwind tour ended in Japan a few weeks ago and tossing out the first ball at the Red Sox-A’s opener in Tokyo.
Problems Along The Way
It wasn’t all easy for Mitchell on his tour. Life as a conquering hero has its downside. Mitchell had to deal with the ignominy of not being recognized at a restaurant in a small town in Alabama, something that resulted in legal action being taken against the establishment. Here in my hometown of Baltimore, a stir was created when a bartender asked him if he was going to leave a tip. Though the bartender later tried to reassure his boss it was just a joke, he was still fired and prosecuted, with his trial beginning next Tuesday. And in Chicago, a tollbooth was not set up to guarantee him a private lane to pass through personally, creating a political stir that could cost Richard Daley re-election.
But those have just been the speedbumps that every powerful and famous person must navigate. Mitchell’s offseason of fame started to wrap up this past Monday in Boston, as he was joined by teammate Derek Nelson in running the Marathon. With other runners quickly making room for him, and pushed by Nellie’s sprinter’s speed, Mitchell set a new record in the historic race.
Copies of The Mitchell Report will be available in complete 856-page hardcover format at bookstores and LOL concession stands throughout the country starting tomorrow. Those who failed to honor the hero appropriately are being summoned to congressional hearings to explain themselves. Whatever the results, we can safely say that the course of baseball has been permanently altered by this groundbreaking report and its electrifying subject.
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